jueves, 17 de enero de 2013

Esto no es un metasueño

A veces, somos como Edipo (o como Tiresias):  tenemos que cumplir un sino macabro al que estamos abocados.
. . . . . . . . . . .

Que dios no existe lo sé desde que era muy pequeña. Crecí rodeada de anticlericalismo, sin primera comunión, sin ir a comulgar en las misas de cole de monjas cuando mis compañeros iban.  A diferencia de los reyes magos y el ratoncito Pérez, nunca me desmintieron su existencia.

Dios no puede existir cuando hay tanta injusticia, tanta crueldad y tanto dolor por todas partes. No puede existir en los cementerios, ni en los colegios y, mucho menos, en los hospitales... Y aún así, busco el momento del no rezo antes de dormir. Intento echarle el pestillo a todo ese mundo provisional que es distinto del mundo real.

Hasta hace poco, nunca había sufrido por ver sufrir a un ser vivo que quiero. Hubo un adelanto: fue en noviembre de 2010, pero todo salió bien. Después, la primera enfermedad, la primera vida que estuvo llena de vida y que se fue apagando. Un trozo de muerte también se anidó hecho una bola dentro de ella y la fue destruyendo de dentro afuera - una especie de avance que me mandaba la vida para saber que la vida también es enfermedad. Ella no está ahora en ninguna parte porque ya no existe, pero desearía con todas mis fuerzas que estuviese aquí ahora.

Está en las fotos.
Pero cómo será cuando ya ni siquiera haya fotos.
Sólo estará en la cabeza, con imágenes borrosas, rodeado de negro.

Mi madre me contó de un conocido suyo que tuvo un enfermedad en los riñones. Tuvieron que quitárselos, pero su hermano le dio el suyo, y hoy los dos viven con un solo riñón. A mí me gustaría hacer lo mismo, si solo fuese posible quitarme un ojo para dártelo a ti, o quitarme lo que fuese para evitarte un poco de sufrimiento. Solo he podido ir a dar mi sangre, por si a alguien le puede servir.

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